A critical analysis of the public ramblings of the creature formerly known as Ms. Baugher, who provides a manic amount of content to parse.
Every little thing she does is tragic.
Talk to me (juliabaugher at gmail) Always held in strict confidence.
Losing my religion.
I am, once again, losing my will to parse.
You’ve heard it all before, and at this point, Our Lady of Introspection has sunk far below the caricature water mark and is now an openly mocked joke - like bringing a braying donkey to a pig party. One Handmaiden is still circling the cereal bowl, and the other jumped ship and is riding the wave of “thank God you aren’t Julia” to her dreams of a sponsor-laden tumblr.
I hesitate to say never again, but I can only jump a beached shark so many times before my leather jacket is shot to shit. They aren’t even interesting enough to parse, not that they ever were. However, I pride myself on giving notice, and even if I can’t give you my precise date of resignation, I will soldier on, for your convenience, as always ribbed and bulleted for your pleasure.
Our Lady of Introspection
- Stop me if you have heard this before. Julia senses that Mary might co opt the Gawker media cycle (on account of Mary’s imminent but not officially announced departure), she emails the NYP (as does the ‘agent’ - who surely isn’t earning his 10%) to plant an item about her hooking up with the newly acquired QB. The giveaway was the “she was just drinking water.” Jules, you do need a PR person, as you lack basic common sense on the simple art of planting an item. Also the ‘fact-checking’ of the NYP, wondering if I recognized the email address of the tipster. Uh, yes.
- An Easter ensemble fit for Halloween. In my universe, your mother didn’t say a word about the get up, just to outclass you in church and silently signal to the congregation and the internet that they, too, have personal challenges .
- Oh, there was a Cancer Dan post, a reprinted email. Knowing from personal experience that he abhors public attention where she is concerned, that is as classy as the Easter outfit.
- She tagged along to a “social networking” conference, which is hysterical, as she tried to shut down rebloggers and commenters on her own blog (which she calls a business). The only communities she inspires are those that skewer her, and she can’t draw more than a couple of dozen comments on Gawker anymore. NS fans number about 50 on FB. She only ‘favorites’ her own twitter posts. Her site should be “nonsocial”, but then again, the monniker was kind of close.
Handmaiden of Tragic Rebounds - Meghan
- Nothing. No really, nothing. She’s pretty, can’t spell or write, doesn’t have anything to say, and hitched her wagon to the wrong donkey. Rumors of her spine and intellect were vastly overstated. She just doesn’t have anything better to do, and now, she is the unequivocal ‘hot one.” Hooray.
Handmaiden of Passive Aggression - Mary
- Mary’s new venture was announced, and as set forth above, JA tried her damndest to spin the news cycle for the few hundred people who cared.
- Mary struck back, with her own Gawker media grab, again, misunderstanding that she was preaching to about two dozen people who might read her blog. I will always love her passive aggressive digs, as she was featured on Gawker for absolutely nothing a few days earlier and she proudly linked it. Which had to piss JA off, as JA can’t get any Gawker love these days.
- Unfortunately, one can only ride the “fuck yeah, you aren’t Julia, tell us some JA dirt” for so long. To her credit, she seems to be doing something a little different in the blog department, even if she thinks that she is the first person on the internet to accept shwag for shill. And by different, I mean different than JA, not different by a ton of bloggers with much more talent and a much larger, if not as high profile, readership.
- Mary is after airline and car sponsorships, not because she has built a genuine relationship with her readers, but because she is moving to LA and she needs transport there and a car when she gets settled. And yet, I sort of dig that about her. Go big (I am predicting a green car) or go home.
- In all sincerity, whether I parse again, I am leaving Mary off the radar for the foreseeable future, unless she does something really goddamn stupid (crosses finges). She emerged as the most self-aware of the three, despite a high handicap of ignorance and self-importance, and I give credit where it is due. Also, I am going to have drinks with her soon.
Anatomy of an internet breakdown. Please email.
Our Lady of Introspection is on a spiral of insanity usually reserved for Courtney Love on a long weekend bender. If you live your life on the internet while steadfastly maintaining that you have another life somewhere else, eventually, you are bound to go a little nuts when truth and reality collide. Also, if you have to repeatedly assure people you really are nice and likeable, you are just a poor man’s version of GWB in a pink flight jumpsuit, proclaiming that the mission was accomplished.
Anyway, onward, to all JA ribbed and bulleted goodness:
- She went a little nuts about mean internet people. At first she got drunk and told the internet she just wanted to be loved and begged to meet her critics. Then she sobered up and told the haters the fuck off because her business is just for fun and that the audience was taking internet life too seriously.
- She then assailed Mary because Mary suggested that three of the seven Great Lakes were polluted. I’m sure those great Chicago beaches are optimally deserted for doing Disney lipdubs and all, but no one goes to Chicago for the beaches on spring break (in March).
- And while we are at it, TMI, “Spring Break?” Look, I get these are lean times, and your current flagshit advertiser is Axe, but ladies? None of you are in school anymore. Live differently, like you are a late 20’s woman, living in virtual Gossip Girl high school that no one watches, faking a life that you devoutly watched on a marginally better cable television program.
- Oh, I haz a fat (I weigh 120 pounds, dripping wet). Please email me and tell me I am not fat, lest I spend my sleepless nights fabricating fan mail.
- Oh, I hazzed a date. My fanboy reader didn’t mind me telling you the details of the whole evening, so if you have fifteen minutes and want to read the 2000 word description of what happens when a self-proclaimed fameball/egoblogger/dating expert tries to accomplish the rather elementary social activity of having dinner with a
potential love interestblog material, please read my name-dropping account. Please email me to confirm that I can do better.
- Also, my ex has cancer. Have I ever mentioned that? Please email me for support in my trying times.
- Please email whenever. I am busy with Bradshaw fan fic and have a full inbox, but I will get back to you in 60 seconds, just like that Angelina movie. I never sleep, just like Jordan in Real Genuis, only 98% less adorable.
Big trouble in little internet.
Oh, the Days of Inanity. Big changes are afoot. Mary is leaving, JA got fired, and Meghan is still trying to win friends and influence people. Onward with bulleting goodness:
Our Handmaiden of Passive Aggression:
- Big news is that, according to Gawker, who got a tip about a drunken confession from Our Lady of Introspection (who never drinks, ever), Mary is leaving the the band. This is about as surprising as a Lohan relapse, but congratulations to my favorite wrist fannypack designer.
- Her send off was this, a Jack Handy-cribbed Deep Thoughts about the future of internet content. Protip, Mary: in the future, ask your “editor” to post something vaguely resembling your own voice and vocabulary and overall understanding of sentence structure and syntax. You might want to ask your former partner about the plagiarist label on the way out.
- Oh wait, was this the "guest post" you
backdatedforeshadowed a few hours laterearlier? Odd that you didn’t credit it as such. The internet never sleeps, Mary. Want the screenshot?
- In all sincerity, best of luck to you. You are the only one who developed something approximating a tolerable internet personality, and you did so in spite of considerable odds, given the dimly lit marquee name on the blog. Avoid any discussion of politics, current events, healthy body image and eating habits, colonic benefits and naturopathy generally, (shit this list is getting long), pretty much anything beyond fashion, spinning and self deprecation and JA passive aggression. Blow outs and blow jobs, Mary. Win your demographic. Talk about the teeth, and how it is good for the former and not the latter.
- If you ever want to know just how loyal your (now former) business partner was, do drop me a line. Also, say hello to Leven for me.
Our Handmaiden of Tragic Rebounds:
- Megs - may I call you Megs? Mary beat you to the finish line, sweetie. Thought I would tell you, in case your laptop died and you weren’t checking the internet.
- May I ask why a tech blogger didn’t know to back up her files? I think we both know the answer to that.
- “The more information you put out about yourself, the more you data is out there for marketers.” And pimping Flicker? Megs, I don’t think your heart is in this whole tech blogging thing.
- Ah, but I see you are taking up the Mary slack of passive aggression. Megs, like tech blogging, this just isn’t you. Mary’s appeal is bluntness and willingness to make an ass out of herself. Yours is being naturally attractive, likeable, and seemingly embarrassed to be in the photo.
- Pull the trigger, Megs. Break up with this tragic rebound. You have gleaned enough from your 50 word posts about the internet to know a little bit about internet branding, and how yours is swirling the bowl.
Our Lady of Introspection:
- Bottom billing is deserved.
- She says she quit Time Out New York, which looks
suspiciouslyexactly like this thing.
- "I have loved being a dating columnist, but Carrie Bradshaw 2.0 is played out. I think I am columned out right now." You got canned. Again. File it under the dumped column in your stalker file.
- There is a lot to parse in the HuffPo article, but most of it has been scrubbed in the light of day, and really, who gives a shit anymore.
- Goddamn if this doesn’t say it all. Ricky VanVeen was her first target, and when he proved unavailable, she went for Jakob Lodwick. It appears Ricky has the exact same impression of her as he did a few years ago. (mirror, in case it dies, which seems to happen, and very much worth a click)
- Also, JA? Don’t mock College Humor’s television program. It is airing on a major network. Bravo threw your “pilot” in the trash. Ask for the focus group studies, particularly the feedback about you. I have a copy if you need it.
Press on tattoo.
Our Lady of Introspection got a tramp stamp on her wrist, which is probably the body part of hers that sees the most action, if you really think about it. Three letters: LIU.
- Does she see herself in a Charlie’s Angels movie with Lucy? Could be, as those taxicab confessions aren’t going to keep her in the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed. Except they probably are - single, stalkery and social kryptonite. Living differently apparently means starring in ProActiv filler spots on a cable network you have never heard of - from Web 2.0 to public access cable 1.0. To be captured in a photoshoot for a magazine you also never knew existed.
- Did she trade Harvard Business School for Long Island University? That seems a little too self-aware for our Lady of Lee Press-On Nails.
- Apparently, the drunken-girl-on-spring-break inspiration for this was the immortal words of her grandmother - Let It Unfold - who hasn’t spoken to her daughter-in-law (Our Lady’s mother) for 29 years. That has to make her mother proud.
- Safe bet is that it is easily removed. Our Lady is as edgy as an omelette, and, as Mary so graciously pointed out, it doesn’t work well with pearls. Luckily, Mary has just the wrist fannypack to save the day.
- Meghan? I think you know I know. Don’t let me down. This one time in band camp, I was totally on your team. Pull the trigger, Meghan.
- Finally, there was this bizarro thing on their TMI website, where all three of them basically admitted that they use sex as currency and something they dole out on a schedule. Yeah. Stunning that they are all single. Want to live differently? Stop thinking you are holding some holy grail of fulfillment, as most men can give as well as they receive. Bases? Are you in fucking high school? Jesus. Join a softball team. Don’t wear a helmet and hope for a fast ball inside.
What a difference a year doesn’t make.
From the archives, one year ago:
From: Julia Allison email@example.com>
Date: Wed, Mar 5, 2008 at 2:46 PM
Subject: A thought
To: Jakob Lodwick
Chance to do the right thing!
I’m going to the apple store tomorrow to buy a macbook air.
It would be amazing if you lived up to your promise from this christmas.
How about it, JL?
On 3/5/08 3:54 PM, “Jakob” wrote:
I took “Jakob is bipolar” to mean “all obligations are off”
————— Forwarded message —————
From: Julia Allison firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Wed, Mar 5, 2008 at 4:16 PM
Subject: Re: Some thoughts
I think it’s strange you’re still hung up on that! It was three months ago. No one cares about it!!
You are clearly evolved and different now.
No more posting dozens of pictures of you in a tacky Barbie dress. No more mentioning of the long ago, cancer fighting ex when you need sympathy. No more tweeting for hopeful jealous reactions. No more passive aggressive bitchslapping with your “business partners,” who seem anything but in lock step.
You are pretty much the same girl who would still send this email if she wasn’t worried that her ‘lifecast’ might get derailed by reality. Or Gawker. Sorry about that. I wasn’t after attention, but that concept might as well be in Chinese for you. You don’t evolve, just preserve, and you should probably stop with that whole “I have never had work done.” Your off-insurance doctors don’t believe in HIPPA. You probably need to look that up.
It is almost like The Secret isn’t really a business model, and the MacAir was just a trendy, early adpoters stunt (Ask Meghan and she can Google it for you). I am certain you are grateful to me to be the custodian of your memories.
Lordy, lordy, look who turned……
We’re in lean times, folks, and lean times call for ribbed, bulleted, and linked pleasures.
Our Lady of Introspection:
- You know how she claims to be friends with all of her exes? Except for that one whose confidences she betrayed on Gawker. And that one who does video games who broke up with her in spectacular public fashion. And now, the most recent one who didn’t want to be subject material for the least interesting blog on the planet. Well played, Mr. Leventhal (his reply to Our Lady in response to her plea for a restaurant recommendation). She sometimes reminds you of Lara Flynn Boyle in Wayne’s World, doesn’t she?
- She’s looking for a new way to violate her friends’ privacy, in the form of posting voice mails received. (“Hey, Julia, this is Ben. I swore I wasn’t ever going to call you again, but the law says I have to give you an official warning about harassment. So here it is. I’m just not that into you. You saw that movie, right? It is just like that.”)
- Nonsociety is now co-branding with Axe. Live differently, like pimply junior high school boys. Because you just know that demographic is reading NS, what with the cutting edge fashion and dieting tips and the giggling mention of blow jobs.
- There was a bicoastal birthday celebration, the first in SF. Sadly, although JA posted a partial pic of her cake, it wasn’t hers. Man, she can’t even make the marquee of a birthday cake? Well played, Randi. Ask Mr. Leventhal what you have won.
- If only we had birthday bridesmaids, or, as the unwashed masses call them, unpaid guests.
- Whatever, the important thing is that Our Lady doesn’t drink. (click on that one, folks. You won’t regret it.)
Our Handmaiden of Passive Aggression:
- Did make a rather surprising Million Dollar Baby reference. I suspect that movie didn’t feature the story line she anticipated.
- Leven shout out. I am thinking Mary realizes a sister hanger-on is better than this gig.
- She got a new pet. This should totally put to bed her whole “I look like a dyke” comment, as clearly, some of her best friends are homosexuals.
- The usual tedious Fashion Week coverage with brilliant commentary (“Ooh. I love this.”) She is a fashionista, just like the EIC of Allure. With 100% less credibility.
- A ton of hair dryer reviews. To help the paint dry.
- A slam on President Obama for attending a concert and a basketball game (as evidence of his vacationing ways rivaling those of her parents’ messiah, George W). This from a couchsurfer without a job. Dumber than a sack of hair extensions. Stick with the blow jobs from the hair dryers. President Obama has more work ethic in Rahm Emanuel’s middle right finger than this one. Yes, Mary. You are going to have to follow the link to get the joke.
- Photoshoots aren’t work, they are vanity projects. Probably need to look that term up, too. Your entire business model is a vanity project that is unprofitable and ridiculed by your target audience. You are in no position to question anyone’s work ethic.
Our Handmaiden of Tragic Rebounds:
- I still contend she is working on an exit strategy. No one is this dull and bland, not even day-old Cheerios in spoiled milk. She’s caught between the loon and New York City. I know its crazy, but its true.
- Uh, she posted an email with tips to save money, which included such wisdoms as go to the grocery with a list, use the library (don’t buy books), sign up on mailing lists for specials, and entertain at home with your friends. Ladies’ Home Journal now has a web presence?
- Megs - may I call you Megs - take your own reader’s advice. Shop for food that you eat (not drink), go to the library and check out “What Color is Your Parachute,” sign up for a Kayak alert for cheap one way fares to the Bay Area (free tech tip there), and stay home with friends who realize that people who try to monetize the minutia of their lives are widely perceived as complete idiots.
- Except in that little corner of NYC, where bloggers who spend all day blogging about their friends meet up to drink with their blogger friends in the hopes that their picture is taken, so they can post and blog about it the next day. There, you are all just common idiots.
- She discovered CNN online to watch the “State of the Union,” which must surprise the President, who hasn’t yet delivered it.
- She looked thrilled to be in attendance at JA’s birthday party in SF. So do the others in the picture.
- Megs, only you can prevent forest fires, and only you can salvage your reputation. I’m not just saying this because I have a substantial bet on you being the first to bail. Full disclosure: I also have cash on Mary.
- I gave you the most real estate here, Meghan. Don’t disappoint me.
*N.B.: The reblog feature was not abused in the parsing of the above post.
Fuck you, South Dakota.
I don’t write this for fame or fortune. I don’t give a shit who reads it, generally, This is just a bunch of folks who are like-minded about vapid attention whores. Because of the tumblr drama, I hit a few radars.
The nice guy who set this up put in a google analytics code and this morning, I actually read it. Shit - a lot of you are as bored as I am, internationally even. To those folks, I assure you that this is our weakest export, okay? What killed me was that South Dakota was the only state that didn’t register on the viewing map.
Seriously, SD, Pakistan and Saudi Arabia are killing you in terms of page views. You are the only state in the country without a page view. I mean this politely, but fuck you, South Dakota. Morocco is out-viewing you. Hell, Iceland has you at 34:0.
Do you really want to be behind Iceland? I would like to thank Illinois, who proudly represents. NY, CA and FL? Holy hell, you guys are loyal. Thanks to all of you who read this terribly uninteresting shit, and an added thank you for representing the globe. Hey, Kenya and Chile. Sorry for all this. I meant well. Us Americans cannot stand the women I parse. It is a public service, I assure you. We want to expel them somewhere else, but until then, I just parse.
[Housekeeping Edit: There has been some…..activity regarding this blog. While I was sleeping, I was apparently nailed to the cross and reborn, all ahead of Easter!
Official comment - Karp and co. fucked up and realized it, probably right after JA sent a gloating email to Gawker about policing the internets (and the NYT and Slate picked up on it). I missed almost all of it - I think I knew I was banned for about 12 hours before being resurrected - but David’s response to me was solid.
First, notwithstanding the title of the blog, I don’t actually reblog Our Lady or her Handmaidens. I link to the posts I parse, but none of them have to read it unless they seek it out. Which they do. I don’t “abuse the reblog feature.” That explanation was horseshit.
Second, had my commentary been wholly positive, there would have been no issue, and that is concerning. David’s playground, David’s rules, and he is free to make them, but I was pissed because tumblr assured me last year that despite her pleadings to nuke this, they wouldn’t cave. Made no sense to me that, having tailored the message down to just very occasionally parsing their public statements, they would suddenly nuke an almost stale blog. It was a bad move, to be sure, and they corrected it and I am all the way over it. It also inspired me to post more, so chew on that back fat, Pink Lady.
Also, JA? Yeah, you sort of brought this upon tumblr and yourself. You occupy no higher road or moral purpose and you should be really regretting the gloating emails. You take no prisoners on your quest to be famous (for absolutely nothing), and while I don’t forward emails, you aren’t a friend of tumblr. You are, at your core, a user without friends. Seriously - you make this easy, and everyone now knows it. If your BFF only knew how you counted on my discretion.]
I post this with the assumption that none of you are following the Days of our Banality. If you need more day to day recaps, I strongly recommend this site, which has yet to overdose on reading about the three least interesting women on the planet. It takes about six months, so get in while the getting is good. Tumblr apparently shut down their previous blog, which is weird, to say the least, but I am still (barely) here and will feed the masses who don’t really give a shit.
So onward for the big picture, “what do I need to know” about the Trio of Banality.
Handmaiden of Passive Aggression (Mary): She got a haircut, then she cut it again, somehow believing she looks like Katie Holmes. Who is an interesting role model- crazy gay husband, stalled career, etc. She also thinks dressing in black makes you Russian, whereas most folks just deem that the standard New York uniform. One day, with her first self-loathing husband, she might actually go to Russia and eat a pierogi and keep it down all night, then name a terrible bag after it that no one will buy. Then again, I am pretty sure Mary is the kind of girl who would go to Russia and eat a chicken salad (with a request for guacamole on the side) at an Applebees. But then she would post pictures of it because she PUTS IT ALL OUT THERE, HATERS.
There was some public passive aggression with JA, of course - nobody puts baby JA in a corner or a non-pink dress —but all in all, she is just posting about drinking and shopping, so you didn’t miss much. She still thinks this is unnatural, which prompted another Botox session (reminder: she is 26), but the girl is a child of a third wife, and not in the satisfying Big Love sense. In the spirit of the recession, she is homeless and couch-surfing where she can, but she has pimped herself out as inventory for a matchmaking service, so a failed marriage is in her sights.
She is currently doing Fashion Week. It is more uninteresting than you can imagine.
Handmaiden of Tragic Rebounds: This one is actually getting kind of sad. Meghan now knows what a stupid move this whole venture was - it kind of drips from her Cheerios-types of posts - but she cut her hair too! Yeah, and that’s all you missed. She went to CES and didn’t post anything relevant, went to Davos and posted pictures of herself snowboarding, and came home and realized that the recession is only for those who mind the pricetags.
Meghan is kind of useless for interesting recaps, because she is criminally uninteresting and her cream doesn’t rise to the top. It sort of curdles.
Our Lady of Introspection: Exactly where we left off. She now warrants less attention than Mary, as she is just a cartoon. Like Sex and the City on Nickelodeon. The dating columnist without a date was, as usual, excited about spending Valentines Day alone (some weird plan about a bicoastal birthday celebration as well, which is bizarre, given what the tipsters say about her future at TONY). Usual highs and lows, of course, plus a lot of unfavorable accounts of her time at Davos. Truly, this was an embarrassing trip, yet our Narcissistic Lady will never understand the laughter directed at her.