Reblogging Julia

Being Julia

28 31 posts today and counting, but it seems Our Lady of Introspection is dissatisfied with tumblr as a ‘professional blogging tool’ and has some sound business advice for the gentleman running the show.

 Oh, Julia. 

First, and I think we covered this yesterday, you are a professional gossip for a supermarket tabloid that peddles in unfounded and ultimately untrue bullshit rumormongering about teenage mothers  “Not blogging.  Gossiping.  On TV.”  Which is, by the way, your job.  Great, now that we have that clear, let’s sift through today’s banality and leave the business advice to people who have actually created successful companies. 

Second, this must be difficult for you.  It must be positively maddening to publicly gossip about celebrities that are less attractive, less endowed, less ambitious, and, of course, not nearly as smart as you know you are, and yet you are still expected to flash some cleavage and offer seemingly clever sound bites for the benefit of your geriatric audience.  You are so much better than them, even if they eat at Waverly more than you, and you know it.  You know that when - not if - your fameball comes in, you will never be caught in public sporting a mismatched headband, and when you orchestrate the crotch shot, your La Perla thong will flatter your freshly waxed nether regions.  You’ve studied and done the research and you will show everyone how it is done.

But for now, you should probably stick to your Britney Spears’ gossip and speculation on Heath Ledger’s demons.  While I’m sure your feelings of superiority runneth over and into other areas, such as business and industry, your girl in Davos has the tech beat covered, and she does it light years better than you.  She’s also ridiculously and naturally hot, in a very low maintenance way.  Odd that she is, in fact, a professional blogger, but hasn’t yet assailed the site for failing to meet her blogging expectations.

Onward.

A little manic in the 2 o’clock hour, yes?  Nine posts?  Let us review:

• Pictures of self posted: 5
• Number of pictures of self with pursed lips: 5
• Number of pictures of self with hand on hip and chest thrust outward?  5
• Number of pictures of self where self is on the left: 5 ([Ed. Note: Nobody puts baby on the right])
• Number of posted adoring emails: 1 ([Ed Note: extra bonus points for adding the line “your life keeps me very entertained and happy’, and addressing the ’reader’ as bunny.  That is bringing your A-game right there]) 

There is too much more vapid to sludge through, but a few final thoughts.

• If you’re still talking about your SAT scores a decade after the fact?  To paraphrase Sarah Silverman, I think your best years are behind you.  You might remember that line, it was about Britney Spears.
•  The least effective strategy in any argument is to deflect to your opponent’s prior unrelated statements.  You were on a debate team, yes?  You would almost think a dating expert/columnist would know this very basic rule of human interaction.
• A girl who shops at Pottery Barn for kids is probably not a credible art critic, but you have surely realized that, since you deleted your rant about another’s “terrible” taste in art.  One can only begin to imagine the masterful works adorning your apartment.
• Unrelated: I just thought of this.  No idea what on earth made me think of that.
•  Related:  Did you really just post that it was easier for your ex to post a picture of a half naked woman than to get the real thing?   I know you get flack from internet commenters that you look older than you claim, and that comment may be an effective counterpoint.