Reblogging Julia

Stop. Bullet Time.

 Way too manic to fully parse, but everyone loves a bulleted list.

• This pose looks vaguely familiar. It is almost as if I have seen it before.  Last year?  You have to be kidding me.  You’ve been to Fashion Week before? [Ed. Note:  I wonder why designers think Star Magazine readers can afford couture.]
• I am guessing that those boring conversations that you were neither ABLE or WILLING to participate in didn’t involve someone whose name rhymes with Foolinya Gallison.   Hell, I’m bored just thinking about them, too.  Life is too short to waste breath or keystrokes on other people, isn’t it?  Agreed.
•  Holy crap!  Arianna has a personal blog, too? I bet she looks downright saucyin her workout gear, and I can’t wait to read her thoughts on the breakup of her marriage and the secrets of her wandering (and shhhh….bisexual) ex-husband.  Dude, give a brother a link, would you?  
• Hey, you’re too busy to support your friends’ projects.  Just look at all the names and places you dropped even mentioning them.  Say, what time will you be on CNN, expounding on your dearly departed buddy Heath?
• No one will mistake you for a boy because you are wearing jeans, baby girl.  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!???!  You look beautiful and feminine and adorable and gorgeous!!  I’m sure no one in the box seats agreed with your friend, The Underminer.  In any event, no guy could manage the Paris Hilton post from that position.   Silly rabbit.
• [Ed. Note:  Things begin to take a weird turn in this post, as evidenced by the term “sickest seats.”  Our Lady of Introspection appears to start speaking in a different dialect, not unlike a certain celebrity she gossips about for a living.  I’ve heard you can get too close to your subjects and start emulating them.  Maybe??!?!?!?!?!?!?!]
• I hope you took notes.  I expect a memorandum in the morning, and, quite frankly it needs to be better than your essay on leveraged buyouts.  [Ed. Note:  Did you even watch the game?]
• You look utterly devastated.  Look how your arm isn’t on your hip!  You managed to force the pursed lips, in spite of the pain.  God, how you suffer.
• RERUN!  Goddamn writers’ strike.  But huzzah to better editing.  [Ed. Note: here we see the return of the MTV dialect, curiously interspersed with a few ten cent words.  To wit:  “check ya later homefry.”  That sounds so natural.  It’s like yeah, motherfucker, and all that.]  Sorry the relationship with the actor didn’t pan out, but it sounds like he just wasn’t as into you as you are.  Also, I am certain your one date wonder will never think to read your column and discover that you thought it would be rude to tell him personally that you aren’t into him and that it would be preferable to reveal that publicly.  But ‘hello, DO UNTO OTHERS!!. I am so very relieved that you agree.
• Agreed, there is no such thing as a bad idea blog..  Again, so relieved you agree.  But let’s just dispense with the whole idea that you don’t follow anyone because you prefer to read their entire blog for context.  Unless, by context, you mean ctrl+f+”juliaallison”“.  Let’s face it - unless it is about you, what is the point of reading it?  Indeed.

Kumbaya, bitches!  I heard that on TRL!  Get the fuck back in your room!