Reblogging Julia

Our Lady needs help.

Our Lady of Introspection needs another intern, and she is too busy to list a proper job description.  In the interest of being servicey, the foregoing is a helpful Craigslist ad for the hardest working woman in the gossip business:

NEEDED:  Intern for professional supermarket tabloid gossip and dating columnist (herein after referred to as the “creative”).

HOURS:  Must include the important witching hours between midnight and 5am, when creative is the most manic, not unlike Britney.

PAY:  No financial compensation, but creative may negotiate for affordable mentions of intern, links to intern’s blog, or photographs with creative.

RESPONSIBILITIES:  Entirely too many to list, but must include the following:

• Review voluminous inventory of images of creative to select only those photographs featuring the designated pose (left side only, lips pursed, hand on hip, chest thrust outward, back arched).  No attention shall be paid to other subject in photographs, should one inadvertently appear.  Send cease and desist letters to outlets displaying unflattering images.
• Constant review of Google Alerts for any mention of creative and draft correspondence to critics with promotional photographs and materials.
• Monitor exes’ blogs, as well as those of their friends and family, for any mention of creative, and draft correspondence to any criticism thereupon.  Disclosure of exes’ confidences readily provided.
• Review of Page Six and other NYC gossip sites for mention of new hotspots and procure reservations at same.  Also make note of new fameballs and procure contact information (follow up with offer of friendship) for same.  Prepare list of both for name dropping.
• Monitor gawker.com for mentions of creative and respond in defense as necessary (commenter account provided courtesy of gawker.com).
• Monitor friends’ websites via google analytics (password provided) to report on encroaching fameball status and draft passive aggressive blog posts to dissuade attention to same.  Disclosure of friends’ confidences readily provided.
• Edit creative’s journal entries from 1980 to present to present affected self awareness (normative qualifiers provided by creative).
• Establish relationship with paparazzi (renumeration provided). Performance measured by boldface type mentions and published photographs of aforementioned approved pose.
• (Seasonal) Watch all Oscar-nominated movies and provide detailed analysis of same, preferably in sound bite form (work for hire, obvs).
• Review at least three Sex in the City episodes daily and provide synposis of same.  Bonus provided upon procurement of any advertisment of creative on mass-transportation vehicle.
• Hourly monitoring of tmz and perez, and provide a summary synopsis in sound-bite form (work for hire, obvs) for creative to regurgitate on cable television prgrams.  Consult MTV for current ‘hip’ lexicon. Hells to the yeah, beeyotches.
• Provide constant reassurance to creative about relevance, self-worth, and groundbreaking observations in the fields of gossip and dating commentary, and also that she is hot.  Create phantom reader emails as needed.
• Dog walking, hair extension maintenance and rent assistance as needed.
• Under no circumstance should you remind the creative that she was exponentially more interesting when she wasn’t trying to be famous.  If her friends can’t make that point to her, neither can you.  In any event, creative offers advice but cannot accept it.