Reblogging Julia

The Mysterious Parsing Noise

I think your long term plan is brilliant, but you didn’t answer my direct question.  Also, until Alex Balk gets on the Khmer Rouge beat (and I think he is still on Zimbabwe) I don’t think it is going to get on my radar, if you know what I am saying.

dearconbon:

Dear Conbon,

I am the author of a modestly well-received blog that parsed the manic amount of content generated by a certain aspiring NY media celebrity. After a while, I became bored senseless with my subject, she started using my parsings for publicity, and, in any event, the point was more than made. The subject at issue slinked to the twittering corner of the internet, and since the world abhors a twitterer, she stayed far off my radar.

Now, however, she is back like a persistent herpes hydra strain and infecting my enjoyment of the great digital superhighway. Worse, I have vital informatiuon from a reliable tipster that she is full of shit, yet again, employing the Denton school of “if you talk enough about it, they maybe will come?”

Back in my regular parsing days, when I started to question what kind of person would willingly sift through that kind of banality for a few laughs, I was assured that it was something of a public service for the internet at large. Now, it just seems like tackling the latest wave of shameless attention whoring and public bullshit would be redundant and opening a whole other can of worms and extending a weave of senseless hair extensions. On the other hand, there is something kind of noble about affecting the trajectory of a shameless fameball.

Should I parse the latest round of bullshit, or just let the fameballs land where they may?

Best to you and yours,
baugher

Dear baugher,

I have thought long and hard about your query. I tried many different methods of reflection in order to arrive at the best possible answer. I made a sweat hut out of Wired backissues. I went on a vision quest to Silicon Alley. (This consisted of me getting drunk, stepping out into traffic in front of IAC and almost getting killed by an oncoming delivery truck.) Finally, I discovered the root of the problem. Someone, talented with coding, needs to write an html script. This script should search out every instance of this “aspiring NY media celebrity” on the entire web, like a giant, black-widow-with-a-rocket-launcher version of Google’s webcrawler. Once this unstoppable fucking badass script finds a picture, video, or mention of the subject of your parsing; it should replace that instance with this:

Until such a script is invented, find something more interesting and entertaining to parse. For instance, comedic theater of the Khmer Rouge.